i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
