Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
