My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
