I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
