If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
