Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Randomize
