I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
high people should be assigned attendants
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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