i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
