Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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