They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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