Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
