woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
