I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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