There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
