I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I need moral support for this bender
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
