Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize