I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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