omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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