I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
