Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
