i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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