He uses pillows to masturbate.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
