I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
