i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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