i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
