it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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