have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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