I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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