I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
