If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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