woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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