Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
