This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
