Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
