How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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