His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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