Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sobbing to NWA
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
