i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Drake has all the answers
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
