they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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