this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
