my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
