so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
