Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
false alarm. still invincible.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
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