Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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