This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
