By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
