Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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