Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
