I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
