Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
that is very illegal...i love you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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