so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
