dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
